All I Have To Give

I wish, my love,
I could give you
a strong, happy, healthy heart,
plucked ripe from my chest
still beating a bassline
to make you tremble,
a strong and pure and ecstatic gift
for you, my love,
for you.

But all I have to offer
is this mangled mess of blood and flesh,
beaten, broken, shattered so badly,
held together with prayer and weak glue,
that leaks and burns and lashes untrusting
fearful of being broken again
but still so badly wanting to love
wanting to be loved
wanting to be valued though
every beat echoes with pain
though the ghosts of dead loves
still haunt its carcass
this mess of a heart
is all I have to give
to you, my love,
to you.

I wish, my love,
I had a better life to share with you,
a gilt-edged life of luxury and peace
with no stress, no worry,
no fear, and all comforts.
I wish I could share with you
a life of dreams come true, a life
of pleasure and indulgence,
a life I’d want to share
with you, my love,
with you.

But all I have to offer
is this life of struggle and war,
this life lived in a graveyard of broken dreams,
haunted by failures
and successes buried underneath the ashes of hope,
this life where joy and pain
are dispensed in unequal measure,
a life lived at midnight
waiting for the sun to rise.
This is the only life I have to offer
to share with you, my love,
with you.

My love,
this shattered, unloved heart,
this struggling, unfulfilled life,
these are all
I have to give.

La Petit Mort (EROTIC)

LAMORTBG3

 

The night was young,
and our bellies full
of deliciously sweetened ham
and gentle wine.
The candles burned on,
illuminating the room
in ghostly light,
aided and abetted by
a silvery moon.
I stood at the window
and glanced at that moon,
my head swimming with ideas
of what was to come.

Behind me, I heard
the soft whoosh of her breath,
and could feel
the room growing dimmer,
the expectant darkness closing on me,
making its presence known.
I did not move.
I barely breathed.
I waited for the next move. . .
and it came.
Her tongue gently slid
on the nape of my neck,
exciting the nerves
and giving my whole body
a jealous tingle.
She kissed the little hairs there.
She kissed the side of my neck.
Her hand ran along my stomach,
playing with the hairs there as well,
and she pulled me closer to her.

I took a breath,
the first, it seemed,
in days.
To say that I wasn’t nervous
was to utter a falsehood.
This was definitely not
my first time,
but this was
the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen,
the only one I’d ever loved;
I wanted this to be special.
Into the abyss. . .
I turned around,
and was about to speak. . .
she saw my intent,
put her finger on my lips,
looked into my eyes.
I understood completely.
There would be no speaking here.
There was only I, she,
and a primal, animal passion
between her soul and mine. . .

I parted my lips, and took her finger
within them.
She smiled, withdrew her finger,
and leaned in to kiss me.
Now it’s on.
Into that kiss
I put all that i had,
as if I could actually
focus my desire and
send it all to her through
the mere touch of a taste bud
upon one of hers. . .
She embraced me tighter, pulling
my mouth down to fit hers perfectly,
and deepening the kiss.
My hands went to her shoulders,
and slid the dress’s strap
from them, as if claiming her body
as mine and mine only.
It fell to the floor
with a silky sigh.
She, however, so no need for subtlety.
She grabbed my shirt and pulled.
Buttons went flying.
One made a cute little splash
as it landed in a glass
of unfinished wine.
The shirt abandoned me
with such ferocity
that I thought my arms
would be wrenched
out of socket.
I almost idly wondered
what had happened to my tie. . .
I neither felt nor saw
it leave me, yet
there it was, on the floor.

 

I began kissing her neck,
loving the peachlike smell
and taste of her skin.
Her hands went to my back,
played there,
and then quickly dashed
to my jeans,
fumbling with all the buttons
but eventually succeeding.
The jeans fell to the floor,
where my boxers soon joined them.
She was kissing my chest
as we stepped forward
out of the pile of my clothes
and her dress.
My hands went to her back,
and quickly, deftly undid
the snaps and set her
beautiful breasts free
from their 18-hour imprisonment.
My hand traveled again to her hips,
and pushed down the silk
that seperated me
from her womanhood.
We stepped backwards,
out of our trail of clothes,
our mouths still on each other.
She stopped, backed up,
and lay down on a conveniently-placed
tigerskin rug, beckoning me to follow.
And for a second, I couldn’t:
standing there, looking at her perfectly-shaped body
lying there, on that rug. . .
I almost cried at the sight,
because I knew Heaven
could offer me none better.
Then I joined her.
She motioned to me to lie on my back.
For what seemed an eternity
she explored me,
hands and mouth and tongue
searching me,
laying me bare to the world,
exciting me,
and I couldn’t have formed a whole
sentence at that point if
I’d wanted to, my mind
was just that gone.
And then these sensual
appendages found my manhood,
and engulfed it. . .
my eyes squeezed tight at the exquisite pleasure
and all I could say was
“yes. . .”
I felt pressure building, and something
in me reacted,
stopped her,
and laid her on her back.
I wanted to explore her as she had me,
to know her entire body
and every curve,
and through it, her soul.

I nursed from her, I tickled and teased her,
and went everywhere. . .
and when I came to her womanhood,
the desire to taste it and drink of it
and pull that little white flower into my mouth
overwhelmed me and I did it.
From her flooded such emotion
that I did it again.
And again.
When I had taken her beyond
where she could go,
I stopped.
And began crawling back to her mouth,
kissing her stomach and nipples
on the sweet upward journey.
I was at her mouth,
and began kissing her again. . .
when the kiss was at its most passionate,
I entered her. . .
Suffice to say
that velvet would not have felt better.
Her hips swayed to recieve me.
She matched my thrusts perfectly,
and we reached ecstacy together. . .
at that moment, I couldn’t have formed
a coherent word
to save my life
and it felt as if
I could reach out
and touch the face of God,
it felt so heavenly.
But before I could,
she rolled me over
and, with an almost childlike gleam
in her lustful eyes,
began setting her own rhythm, which I had no choice
but to follow.

 
It went on like this
well into the next morning.
We were happy, we were content. . .
never have I felt so loved
and never will I again. . .
I will always love her,
we will always be together. . .
That night was a new man
made of me,
one dedicated to her
and who will never leave her.
I will never forget that night,
the night I found out what true love was,
the night we ceased to be individuals
and became one in the soul,
the night we became a part
of each other,
the night I died in her arms.
late march-early april, 1995
©PCB 1998

Chamomile Dreams

 

Drinking chamomile tea,
I think of you
and all the times
my soothing hands
held that oil,
guided it into
your smooth flesh,
your tensed muscles,
easing, relaxing you,
settling you
in a loving lethargy.

Drinking chamomile tea,
I think of you,
laughing and playing
in the Mississippi River,
splashing me
splashing you.
I tasted chamomile
in you when we kissed;
I licked my lips to savor it
as we lay,
watching the sky,
painting the clouds.

Drinking chamomile tea,
I think of you
and our trip to Scotland;
we ran through the moors,
through worlds long gone,
and silently witnessed
the dance of grey ghosts
in the morning fogs.

Drinking chamomile tea,
I think of you,
our times together,
running rampant
in my house or yours,
the whole world trapped
outside our walls;
whatever we did –
pillow-fought, tickled,
talked, or drank –
intimacy was there,
carried by that scent.

Drinking camomile tea,
I think of you,
our passionate kisses
and lingering embraces
each a crash
of separate, similar souls.
I look at the clock;
realizing we’ll soon be together again,
my heart smiles
as I think of you,
drinking camomile tea.

July 22, 1998
©PCB 1998

Macabre Danser

MACDBACK2

Quickly must my tale be told
of a fallen Knight, once so bold,
once warm but turning frighteningly cold;
now hear this sorrowful tale.

A lifelong sort of war I lived
I spent my days on the battlefield
no surrender, no retreat, never to yield
determined was I to survive.

Beneath the night skies above
I often dreamed of so strong a love
to defeat destiny with the touch of a gloved
hand, on my weary heart.

Once, I thought I’d found this lady
but as it turned out, she was far too shady
of the soul for us to be; maybe
I’d find her later on, I thought.

I found another work of art
who bloomed inside my lonesome heart
but that affair was doomed from the start;
she did not return my feelings.

After that my soul began to tear
but then I found one that did care
petite, lovely, with bright blonde hair
I hoped she might be the one.

Alas, that love would also die,
for we met not seeing eye to eye.
When she was gone, I realized why:
I’d never loved her at all.

Still, the experience hurt so much
that I withdrew from anyone’s touch
and accepted my war; I thought such
would be the rest of my life.

These thoughts turned so dark and grim;
that I would fight on, never to win,
that thoughts of death settled within;
I gave up on peace in this life.

Poor in spirit and physical wealth,
I wanted to turn the blade on myself
when, with speed and amazing stealth,
love found me again.

Though far away, it still seemed
this lady would come to me to mean
so much that once again I dreamed
of peace with her in my life.

That love developed, strengthened, grew
for a while it was all I knew
then over time, this love too
was marred by mortal failings.

But I hoped and mightily prayed
that this great love would one day be saved
just as I was from a waiting grave
if only we persevered.

Then it came, even though I fought,
the day that we were torn apart;
my strength to live and dream were for naught;
I’d regained them, and they were useless.

Now at the close of this great show,
I have no clue where I should go;
I don’t, I don’t, I just don’t know,
what is going on, nor why.

As for this heart beating in my chest,
I pull it out and put it to rest,
without her, it has grown cold, so best
to let it die. . .I have a war to fight.

Do not think it is my desire
to live a life of blood and fire.
It is not; the mere thought causes ire
but my dream, my only dream, is gone.

For the people, I’ll still sing and dance
but I won’t even take the chance
of finding love, for romance
has killed this dreamer. Your dancer is dead.

July 27, 1999
©PCB 1999

Dying Slowly

The most feared words
in any language:
“We have to talk.”
Never so frightening
as when they come from the lips
of a troubled lover
in a maelstrom relationship.
The wait then,
agony of time
spent in dread fear
and plans made
of how to save the love,
carefully ignoring
the possiblility of failure,
dying slowly
as I think of arguments,
counters,
comebacks,
retorts,
feeling the scarred heart
no longer wanting to beat,
waiting, waiting,
for those dreaded words,
and in the meanwhile
dying slowly. . .
dying slowly. . .

January 5, 1999
©PCB 1999

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